the same same

everything is in a state of flux, still it remains the same.
the best husband of all is driving his mom to radiation. the doctors are quite cryptic and nobody knows whats really going on, which is unnerving as one can imagine.
i was diagnosed with a bad inflamation of the vocal chords. it won´t bugde. i can´t properly speak. or sing. or read stories to the littles. that counts as quite bad however you look at it.
easter is over and the lord lives.
my birthday is over. i will be 33 now for the next 5 years.
i am tired.



that seems to be the theme of this year so far. everyone and their neighbour is sick. constantly. including myself, which is not only terribly annoying, but also quite worrysome.

i have a really bad phlegmy cough for 4 (!!) weeks now, and my voice is gone. it´s just terrible. yesterday i finally went to the doctor and she did nothing to calm me down, but referred my to a specialist - where i am due monday at quarter to eight which is a weird time for an appointment, don´t you think?- who will check out the reason why i can´t talk. the big c was in the room. not a good feeling, let me tell you.

especially since my mil is now for the third time in as many years in treatment for cancer. this time the bastardly cowards are in her brain and spine.i don´t think she will be with us this years christmas and it breaks my heart. i am ever so greatful that she is such a strong believer. anyone else would have horded the pain medication long ago and just ended this horrible agony. but not our hannah. she is strong. full of faith. she might long to be with the lord but she knows what she wants while she is still with us, and that is to be with her family and to see her grandkids as long as she is able. i adore her for that. and i wish

well, a lot to be frank.

there is another one who will not be here anymore come christmas and that is my grandpa. he is my dads father.
a big man.
a loving man.
a silent man.
a good man.
he is 94 years old. he only has one lung left. and his kidneys don´t want him to be with us anymore. he´s an dialyses every secound day. we will have one last summer.

his wife is living in her own world of dementia.

my other gran, who survived the death of her husband has -suspected by her doctor, nobody is going to do an mri, she is just to frail for that - liver cancer. she is constantly tired. she won´t eat. i love her so much. she was always like grannies are supposed to be in the stories. full of warmth. and love. and apple pie.

and so i am crying again. as i did so many times in this year already.

this is going to be a hard year.


So sorry...

I am so sorry for not writing regulary or, you know, at all.
Life is just hectic and in the odd evening i have some time to myself i just can`t.

So, this is what happened:
  • the twins go to kindergarten. and are sick. constantly. it is very depressing
  • baby girl is the sweetest thing there is - i might be biased - but she needs to be hold nearly constantly. that`s sometimes harder than it sounds
  • she still has no teeth. this makes me sigh in relief, since she is still nursing strongly.
    • on a side note, i get asked constantly how long i intend on keeping up nursing my sweet bean. what`s up with that??
  • the teenager is so hard to be around. it is just embarassing. for everyone
  • the kids got a piano for christmas. now i need a harsh russian piano teacher
  • christmas was just magical. it is and always will be my favorite holiday
  • we got ALL THE KIDS batized in the first week of january. (this is going to be a post of it`s own. if i ever get to that...) let`s just say it`s pretty hard if you have very little money
  • a new year started! exiting as this is, it is also the year where we have to juggle a lot of stuff i really don`t care for
but i am resolved, that 2015 is going to be a great year!


another month, another life

quite a lot happened here.

the twins are officially enrolled in kindergarten. they are totally exited, hyped if i may say so. for their birthday in may they each got gifted a knapsack - J´s in blue and T´s in an orange-red, their favorite colours - and nice wellies (of course in red and blue). they ran around in and with these things for 3 weeks, shouting about how they were soon to be kindergarteners.

my big boys

little miss is growing so fast one can watch her getting bigger by the hour. she is getting more vocally now, muttering around and screetching as if annoyed we are not quite getting what she is telling us.

the crownprince is now officially a teenager, as he turned 13 last weekend. since he is acting like one for quite some time now and his voice is breaking i guess it was high time...


my grandpa

i am lucky to have all my grandparents. that was something i heard very frequently growing up. i knew it to be true bc i was the only one i knew with both sets of grandparents.
i was often with my mamas parents. on several occasions i stayed up to 6 weeks with them while my parents travelled the globe. it was cosy and anachronistic and homey. my granny cooked, always gutbürgerlich, and cleaned. my grandpa was in his workshop puttering around. as soon as the sun was sining they were in their schrebergarten - complete with gnomes - were they had their produce. it was great.

when i was a little older, around 9 i think, i asked them about the war.

he was fourteen when the war started and twenty and a prisoner of war when it ended. his youth came and went during the war. there was seldom flirting, next to no school. there was hunger and fear. and choices to be made. when he was fifteen he was forced to leave school. it was necessary to "be a productive member of society and do all he could for winning the war". he grew up on a little farm in what is now poland. near birkenau. he did not want to join the ss so he was made to be an automechanic in the camp.

when i asked him about that he told me, that since then he believed in god, bc he certanly saw hell on earth in these days.

by the time he was 18 he had to take the gun and fight. he never told me more than that.

when he was 21 he returned. but home was not there anymore, it was a part of poland now. so he went to wolfsburg to build Volkswagen. it was all he knew exept handling a gun.

he met my grandma at a schützenfest near celle. she had just turned 18.

she was 12 when the war started. my oldest son is twelve now.

grandma was born in a wee hamlet adjacent bergen, the village that housed bergen-belsen. her youth was formed around the fact that, if she smiled to a stranger, lend a hand to a foreigner, was nice to the prisoners of war - they were distributed among the farmers to help with the produce and animals - she would be send to the camp.

two month after the war they met and never let go of each other. she made him a home, he made her felt safe. they had 3 children. one of them died during childbirth. they learned, they travelled, they worked. they visited moskau in the early 80´s in the middle of the cold war.

when his already pregnant daughter married a hippie he picked up the restaurant tab and smiled. when his first granddaughter was born with bright red hair he shed a tear because there had not been a redhaired girl in the family sind his own grandma.

he taught me fishing, wood carving and everything about gardening. he bought me sweets and hid them from my mom. i spend long hours in his woodshop that smelled like his pipe and sawdust.

he held my firstborn. saw my twins and three months after his redhaired great-granddaughter was born he died.

i loved him.


i´ve been thinking

that i just do not have enough time to do this thing bilingual. between the teenager, the toddler-twins and the sweet three month old, the house, the yard and last not least the best husband of all (not to mention my slight internet-adiction ähem...) there is just not enough time. i am streched thin as it is.

speaking of streched thin, this is exactly my goal this remaining 3/4 year. i want to shed the kilos. since i never posted a pic of me, you just have to use your imagination. i am obese. that was not so hard now, was it?
since i am just that and i do not want to be just that anymore, i started to cut out most of the fats in our diet and replaced all sugar 2 month ago with xylith.
let me tell you, the hardest thing was to SAY NO to coca cola. because that was what i have been drinking all    the    time. when i have not been drinking tea or coffee, that is. i know, i know. it is not good to take that many sugar calories in. but oh, it tastes so good.
since i absolutely can not stand diät coke - not for the life of me, it is so icky sweet i feel my gums puckering just by thinking of it, plus i absolutely hate the taste of aspartam - i am surviving now with pepsi light and sweet tea without sugar. well in der not ist der teufel fliegen...

in the last 2 weeks have "lost" 12 pounds. sounds nice, but if your my size that is so utterly peanut-like, i think it will take 40 pounds till anyone notices...

enough with the pity talk. i am really looking forward to the next 12 pounds!!



sometimes i just can´t fathom how much time indeed flies. i know that this saying is so overused it´s seriously battered and bruised but it is oh so true nonetheless.

my sweet baby girl is now 12 weeks old. three months she lives in this world and means exactly that to me. she is sweet and smiley, a real good eater and until 2 days ago a real good sleeper too. now her sleeping is a bit off which exausts me to no end. i am a walking dead right now, but who am i to complain when i get too look at her face and she smiles this oh so engaging giggle smile back at me, her blessed mama.